honest to God post.
from young, i always wondered why i didn't like my sister. why i didn't like everything she did, why she irked me so much. at first it was just because she liked copying me so damn much, i hated her with a vengeance. and now i realize why.
i'm insanely jealous of what she has.
it's really pathetic to realize that, as somebody who's been through so much, that i possess so much less, and i know so much less. she's got everything, really. and most of all, she's got what i really want - family.
everynight i come home to a dinner table filled with talk about the bowling scene, talks about coaches, pinfalls, curvature and oiling of lanes. and she's not even there. and i wonder whether my parents are prouder of her, than of me. and i wonder whether they've ever been proud of me for who i've been, rather then what i've accomplished. and then i realize, either way, they've nothing much to be proud of.
to feel inadequate next to my sister, younger sister, no less, makes me wonder how much i am. and what i've become. i don't deny that i'm proud of her, but that tiny bit of me, wants to be her so damn fucking much. to have everything going for me, to have my parents love me so much, they'll give me everything i want, to not have to come home and see them fight, and to live with my friends and have the most fun of my life, and not have to work damn fucking hard to get it. the worst feeling for me right now, is to know that i've lost out to nature.
yet something comes to mind.
i'm six, and standing next to my dad, who is a giant, and to be worshipped. we're standing under the moonlight, and looking up at the multistorey carpark, and at the stars.
'Do you love me?' he says, and squeezes my hand.
'Yes!'
'How much?'
'A lot a lot!'
i want to go back to the times where someone would tell me, 'don't worry', and i would believe them, whole-heartedly, and as if by magic, it'd be fixed.
this is me.
and i see you standing there, wanting more from me, and all i can do is tryand i see you standing there, i'm all i'll ever be, but all i can do is try.we never will be.
